What should I do, husband flirts with other women?
I’ve been married for almost 20 years. We have two kids. I love my husband and he loves me. I know he isn’t cheating, because we talk almost 24/7. He’s a great father and a great husband except for one thing. Just last night I find that he’s signed up with a web site where he’s signed up to be friends with like 7 beautiful women and he’s flirting with them. Asking if they would like a massage all over. He was only on this site for a week. I found it because I happened to go to his computer because he got a spam IM and I went to see what it was. I don’t know what to do. He says he wasn’t going to do anything with them in person, but I honestly don’t know that if he didn’t get to know them…that he wouldn’t have. We have had a couple other situations in our past where he was inappropriate. There was a very long time where I’m pretty sure he was good to me by keeping to himself. I don’t understand how a guy is ok with doing this. He said it was just a game to him. I would never disrespect him. I mean I could go be like that too, but because I love him…I’d never hurt him like that. Why is he ok with hurting me? I’m not going to leave him, but I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t have to tell him not to go there with anyone else. He shouldn’t want to out of his love for me. I’m looking for positive advice from women or men that have dealt with this type of situation. Should he or we go to talk to someone? We did years and years ago when we dealt with a situation. It seemed like she wanted to blame me which ticked me off. I’m not the perfect person. I support him totally and am very good to him. The only sticking points we have are that I want our kids to eat healthy as much as they can as they have weight problems. They are totally allowed to eat things that are bad at parties or school and the occassional time we go out or have birthdays. The other sticking point is that I am in control of the money. He has his own card and spends as he pleases for the most part, but I do ask what he bought here and there when he starts spending beyond our means. I’m not a spender….but we’ve gone through a ton of money in the last 4 years and almost through our savings. So these are things I won’t budge on. I believe if this is too much for him…then we shouldn’t be together if it’s going to make him cheat(I consider talking to other women like that, cheating). I’ve told him that, those are the things I won’t budge on, but at the same time I am so fair. I want him to have everything he wants. He loves to hunt and fish, so when we’ve had the money we buy things like that. I don’t need for anything and use an old second hand computer I got from a friend. I buy used clothes at a thrift store. I shop at the dollar store. So It’s not like I’m being unfair. He’ll go to the gas station and buy a large drink for over a dollar and I could buy a case for just $4 or 5. Thanks for any positive advice.
I’ve actually thought and told him that I should do the same. My hearts just not in it and I don’t want to hurt anyone else. He would be crushed if I treated him the way he treats me though. He’s even jealous if I talk to his own brother. He’s not controlling though and neither am I when it comes to each other going out with friends and stuff. Neither would be ok with the other going to a bar though without each other.
September 3rd, 2011 at 10:38 am
Set boundaries, tell him to shape up or ship out!
mechanic 23yrs experiance been there done that
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September 3rd, 2011 at 3:36 pm
do the same he is and see how he feels or say its me or them
mechanic 23yrs experiance been there done that
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September 3rd, 2011 at 9:36 pm
More than anything you need a budget. Place all your income into a bank and write out checks for each need. This is your only solution. Check out my source and the book recommendation. The book’s appendix has a budget form and recommendation how to handle your monies.
http://www.compatiblelives.com/
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September 4th, 2011 at 3:36 am
There is something at home that is missing for him.
Are you letting him Massage you all over?
Are you doing anything kinky in the bedroom?
Ask him what his fantasies are?
http://www.compatiblelives.com/
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September 4th, 2011 at 9:36 am
That’s usually how cheating starts if a guy is on one site chances are he is on others as well. Don’t be blind to the fact he won’t cheat because even the best of men do. To me that’s cheating once you step over the line and start flirting and looking at other people to me that’s cheating regards if it’s online or in person.
The fact is you say you don’t need anything and use an old computer buy used closed and so forth. I find that just flat out wrong your going without so he can go fishing and buy large drinks and so forth. So if he does not seem to care that you put your needs behind everyone elses than why should he care if he hurts you and talks to other women.
You already said your not going to leave him so what can you do. Maybe it’s time for you to change and stop being a doormat and that’s what your being. Start spending some money on yourself and threaten to leave him if he don’t get his act together. Life is to short to put up with crap like this. You must think you deserve better treatment then this if you don’t something is seriously wrong.
With the spending he is doing the flirting I would have already left him. So what if you love someone if they are going to do you wrong like this you don’t need it there is other people out here and men who don’t do these kind of things.
I guess you either keep putting up with it or leave about the only option you do have. Because if you think you can get him to change that’s never going to happen they always promise they will never do it again and things might get better for awhile but they always go right back to how things were. If you want to live this way it’s all up to you.
http://www.compatiblelives.com/
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September 4th, 2011 at 3:36 pm
First, you have alot going on in a couple of paragraphs! So, one at a time. We as women see any form of communication with another woman cheating or disrespectful and rightfully so. However in my experience, men don’t. If she is not tangible at the moment, it’s not cheating, it’s all part of the fantasy. Whether it’s the internet, porn, magazines or the secretary in the office next door. To guys it’s harmless. Doesn’t mean that it hurts us any less of course! But in his mind, his needs are being met in a safe, non cheating way and he still comes home to you every night. Guys need to know they are still wanted by the opposite sex, especially if they have been married 20 years. He needs to stroke his ego. If it goes further than that, I would say he is looking for something more. You could totally change the dynamics of your relationship and join in his conversations and see where it goes. kind of the “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” deal. As far as the kids go…I believe in a healthy diet for children. What we teach them about eating now they will carry with them into their adulthod and pass along to thir own children. health is the most important thing and junk in moderation. But maybe you can comprimise. Do something active with the kids so they can burn off teh occasional treat. As far as the money goes, who is earning the money? If he is the sole provider, he may want a little more say in where the finances go. Or perhaps just a reasonable explanation of why your way is better. After all he is the man of the house. He may not feel that way right now if you control the important things. Which is why he talks to other women on the Internet. That he can control. There is a way of getting what you want without making someone else feel insecure about it. Find the right balance. I am not saying to be manipulative, but there are ways that you can get him more involved and still make him feel like it is his idea. Giving him permission to do activities he loves, or repremanding him for buying a drink you could have purchased for less is demeaning. Don’t constantly remind him of what you sacrifice to give him what he wants. Chances are what he wants really isn’t that much. That’s your sacrifice and no one likes to be reminded that you sacrificed for him. He knows. If you really just don’t trust him because of past experiences and that’s your main gripe, perhaps a trial seperation may be in order. Have you considered maybe just a few sessions of counseling just to get everything out in the open and help you reconcile. Good Luck!
http://www.compatiblelives.com/
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