I wrote this story, could somebody grade it?
I’m only 14 so please be nice. (:
Grade it out of 5. And I use British english so don’t mistake my english for a spelling error.
Thank you (:
THE GIFT~
The typical morning air was crisp, refreshing and worth waking up to. The twitter of birds filled the air ferociously just like the deafening honk of cars on the cluttered and polluted expressway. Their wings fluttered in the soft and fresh air effortlessly as they dived relentlessly beneath the dew covered trees. Over at the university, fresh flowers dotted the usually colourless school grounds. The school had never looked better. The large clock in the hallways ticked endlessly and impatiently. Each tick was like a yearning and hungry call. The ticks grew louder as time drew closer and closer, and echoed in the partially lit school hall with a countdown. Nothing could ruin the day ahead.
Eight o’ clock. The school bells chimed loudly in unison and down below at the same school grounds, red graduation caps flew up into the blue skies to mark this special occasion. I caught my cap as it came back down and felt a sense of roaring pride and joy overwhelming me. Father got up from his seat and approached me. He grinned from ear to ear and felt even more pride than I did.
“I promise you a reward, son,” he began, his voice croaky yet triumphant. I asked for a brand new car.
Weeks later, father called me home with my reward waiting anxiously in his hands. As I arrived, I could hardly contain the excitement that was growing inside of me. I had been waiting for the chance to drive my own car for years. My hands squealed with excitement as father handed me a beautifully wrapped gift box. The box was delicately polished black and tied neatly with a glowing red ribbon that soothed and welcomed my shining eyes.
I opened the box in a split second, only to reveal a brand new Bible. Where was the car key? The surroundings came to a standstill as anger boiled in my blood. The box sat quietly in my hands, but all too soon, the silence disappeared quickly as I tossed the box into the bin with all my might. I left the house with thundering footsteps, and never returned again.
A year later, I was informed that father had passed away. I was called to return back home to collect father’s possessions. As I was sorting through the dusty drawers, I recognised a familiar item. I took a closer look and it was the gift, the same polished black gift box that I had thrown away in the spur of anger, only that it was dustier now. At that moment, it sat on my hands again, just like it did a year ago.
At that point of time, the beautiful red ribbon was neatly tied back, supposedly by father, as though he was awaiting the opening of the box again. I slowly untied the ribbon, placed it on the table, and picked up the bible that sat innocently inside. As I was flipping through, I felt a bulge at the pages, somewhere in the middle of the bible. I flipped to the page. A verse was highlighted in a fading yellow colour. Proverbs 10:12 read, “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.” Above the verse was a brand new car key, taped down to the middle of the almost new pages.
As I pulled out the tape carefully, tears of frustration and remorse filled my saddened, dry eyes. My heart hung low, depressed and at a loss. My wet eyes roamed around the emptiness. I could not turn back the clock again. I stood up, punched the table so hard that the weak wood parted into strips and one table leg broke, causing the table to fall to the side. It landed on the floor with a deafening crash. Just like the table, I collapsed.
Thank youuuuu <3

September 17th, 2011 at 4:35 pm
4/5. This is really good if you are only fourteen. At times you go a little to far with some of the similes but apart from that it is really very good. I am also glad that you choose to use proper english.
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September 17th, 2011 at 5:37 pm
I really like it
and thanks for the suggestion on mine
5/5
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September 17th, 2011 at 6:37 pm
Amazing, you should be proud, show this to your English teacher, he/she may want you to do more. just one piece of advice, if you read the 3rd to last sentence the word table appears 3 times, its a bit repetitive for 1 sentence, otherwise very very good.
by reading it
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September 17th, 2011 at 7:36 pm
wow, good stuff. 4/5
yet so sad
maybe you could change the ending?
jokes. good work
by reading it
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September 17th, 2011 at 8:37 pm
4.5/5 (I usually rate out of ten).
I liked it; but I agree with the first answerer: you do go a little too far with similes.
Also, when speaking about your father, if you do not say ‘my’, the ‘F’ must be capital.
However, it is very good.
Well done.
by reading it
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September 17th, 2011 at 9:36 pm
Wow. That’s really touching. I mean, if only he had taken the minute or so to notice, instead of convincing himself he got screwed right off the bat, he’d still had a relationship with his father. Personally, I wouldn’t have been angry to the point of never talking to my parents again, but I’m not the character. Despite some of the over-the-top similes in the beginning, it’s really good. This is top end stuff you have here. Keep up the good work. I’ll give it a 5.
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http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aqer0kO9UEK1RxZ4Uo7XgCrsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100831043059AALY9qT
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September 17th, 2011 at 10:36 pm
This is a good example of “Purple Prose”, or “Flowery writing”.
It’s okay to include some flowery observation, but you have overdone it and to the extreme.
Imagine a “Flowery Description” as a vase of flowers, one in a room is good, something of simple beauty for one two admire, one in each room is okay, but to fill each room with flowers would be – how would you describe it – overwhelming?
The story is okay, but you spoiled it.
This is comment is given in good faith, written in order to help improve your writing skills, WHICH WILL GET BETTER as you go along.
Stick to the facts, avoid “dressing the story up”, keep it simple, just tell your story as it happens.
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September 18th, 2011 at 12:36 am
5/5 very amazing
Think you could return the favor?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aqer0kO9UEK1RxZ4Uo7XgCrsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100831043059AALY9qT
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