I’m a guy in my mid 20s. I see a psychotherapist every week for the past 2 years. I’ve tried a psychiatrist, but the process is way too long to get “the right meds” and i’ve tried dozens of prescribed pills. My therapist knows about my depression, childhood abuse, and my violent urges (which i kept as a secret for fear of embarassment). When someone pokes fun or gives me a bad remark, i start obsessing about getting into a room alone with that person and slowly strangling him/her to death. I also told my therapist about how i occationally torture small animals (mostly house mice), and without going into details, i get very sadistic and it’s urge-driven, even funny when i think of it later (which it probably shouldn’t be). Lately, i’ve been having urges to attack people on the subway. My therapist recommended the psych ward (faster treatment), but she told me “if you get that uncontrollable urge, run out the subway and go to the nearest hospital ER and tell them you wanted to kill a person in the subway real bad, they have to admit you (72 hours), then give you an evaluation to see if they should keep u longer for treatment”.

For more details (read further, otherwise it’s disturbing):

Mice: i’ve killed over 50 in my life. Most are due to the convinience of being caught in my own home. I’ve used different methods like drowning, stabbing, cutting off limbs, spraying with roach spray, burning, beheading, skinning, and if i’m in a curious mood; reducing it to a skeleton. I do it as a hobby and stress reliver. I also love the feeling of control.

People: i’m prone to losing my temper (although, it’s mostly internal and i carry grudges). And “going to jail for life” makes my desires hesitant, so i do nothing except fantasize. I can imagine people getting killed while talking to them.

Admitting myself sound embarassing “hey i’m crazy, got room for 1 more??”. But i’m willing. Advise? Thanks.