How is this part of my story should I give up 10 points comment please?
“Darien” the frail one of the three said his voice matched his shape, it sounded as if he would be able to be broken in half. “Charles” Darien returned the greeting as the two others did the same I tried to get their names right the only two I got mixed was Jason and David they looked similar almost twin like each seemed muscular and seemed to match from their light hair to their skinny legs. They sat down as Charles looked up at me slowly I could have swore I saw him lick his lips “what a adorable servants you have here” he began which caught the others attention “may I touch her?” He asked not taking his eyes off me this made me fell almost angry, who was this guy to treat me as a toy that could be thrown around and admired when wanted?
“Of course” Darien said as I began to protest “hm what was that love” Charles said standing up I quickly looks over at Darien who seemed to become stiff “looks as if she doesn’t want to be touched he licked my cheek and smirked “I guess Darien has been soft on you” he put the backside of his hand to my round face, “you’re so pale” he smirked “what are you scared of me?” I suddenly wasn’t able to control my words again it was usual when I became angry “of course not why would I be scared of something as girly looking as you.”
Darien stood up. “Sit down Darien” one of the twins said his British accent seemed to catch my attention more than the words. Darien ignored them “Jadzia don’t speak that way unless you don’t want to see Andrew.” Charles now took his eyes off me “Andrew?” He said as if thinking about his response “Oh” he began “you mean Damien’s guy” “Where is he” I interrupted “I lied Jadzia I thought that it would be less trouble for the both of us if you just shut up and came like a good girl that’s the only way I thought no the way I wanted to get you to come the way I wanted.” Darien said looking at me with the same dead eyes “Oh now that’s cold” Charles said with a smirk “that doesn’t fit your character Darien” Jason said with a laugh I felt the rage and tears raise in my face. I turned from them and ran from them I would have been killed if I didn’t I was about to say things that would have even ticked off normal humans enough to want to kill you never mind these short tempered creatures.
I heard Darien start to walk until I heard a chair slide and Jason’s voice “Don’t bother why waste your time with a disrespectful servant like that I would have shut her up a long time ago if I were you Darien “Jason’s right” David said his muscular voice supported his brother “She is going to get herself killed through these halls anyway” he snickered I ignored them I was to angry to listen to anyone I even thought about turning around and attacking one of them but I knew that would only get me hurt much more than any castle could.
SORRY DIDNT MEAN TO REPOST

October 10th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I think it is a very talented piece. I love the description of her feelings it makes the story seem more real. It’s a bit confusing but nothing really to be worried about. Overall, it’s good.
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October 10th, 2011 at 9:36 pm
all that for 10 points. okay, let me read it and i’ll get back to you in a minute.
edit- okay, i read it and it was kind of weird. i guess the first thing was that becasue you said slaves, it threw me off at first that they were white. but it doesn’t matter. i get it. a little bit of set up would’ve been good. like, where they are, what’s just happened, who some of the people are supposed to be in the scheme of this plot.
i found it a bit confusing but probably just because of what i just mentioned above about the set up. i’m guilty of doing this myself so i just learned something, too.
answer mine since i answered your’s? it’s not a reading excerpt. thanks so much! http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AqFOI6bwap8nkllG_uy7x3bsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090715183421AAFTQ67
http://frontline.us.merial.com/prd_how.asp
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October 11th, 2011 at 6:36 am
It’s really confusing cuz you didn’t hit enter as a new person spoke so that made all the characters confusing. But of what i could get out of that…im guessing she’s captured by vampires…is she a slayer or something? I don’t know. Maybe if you repost but with the proper editing i could help better…but it sounds kinda good.
=]
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October 11th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
I LOVED IT!
MAN YOU ARE SOOOO GOOD!
VERY TALENTED! ANSWER MINE? THANX
CONFUSING JUST CAUSE I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR BOOK ALOT.
http://frontline.us.merial.com/prd_how.asp
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